Why the Spider Party Should Take Office In 2016

By Travis M. Andrews

Spider Party

Eight Legs; One Nation

Dear Voter,

Tired of Washington? Sick of politicians putting their own interests first? Wary of being represented by people?

It was once said, “To err is human.” Who wants that?

So this election season, why not vote in an arachnid? It’s hard to believe we’ve been a country for more than a quarter millennium, and we’ve never had a spider, dust mite, or scorpion as president!

This is your year, America. Vote a spider into office and see the change you want to see. We’ll be busy spinning webs, not politics!

There are many good reasons to vote for a “joint-legged invertebrate animals in the subphylum Chelicerata,” to borrow a phrase (thanks, Wikipedia!). Those are listed below for your perusal.

Come Election Day, there’s no better or more multi-legged choice than the Spider Party!

  • Every spider has eight eyes and can see in the dark, completely eliminating the need for a National Security Agency.
  • Spiders are the earliest adaptors to the Web.
  • Just last year, I had 11,362 children, all with the same woman! We’ve mated for life, which isn’t uncommon in the spider community, and we hope to one day have more than 100,000 little ones! How’s that for family values!
  • Votes can count as reparations for both the film Arachnophobia and the book Charlotte’s Web.
  • Spiders kill far less humans than other humans do.
  • Humans destroy the world’s natural resources. We create them! We shit silk.
  • We’ve all pulled ourselves up by our bootstraps … eight times!
  • No more mosquitos.
  • Black Widows. Brown Recluses. Golden Orbs. Supporting diversity in the killing fields workplace since time immemorial.
  • Some of us carry deadly venom. Like, in our teeth. Just think about that for a second.
  • Let’s be honest: Electing a black widow is the closest you people will come to electing a female president.

Paid for by Friends of Arachnids for America.

Travis M. Andrews is a co-founder of Or Something, an editor for Southern Living and a pop culture contributor for Mashable. Follow him on Twitter @travismandrews

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