Dispatches From Donald Trump’s America

By Colin Daileda

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Mr. President. 
  • The capital is Las Vegas, the “White House” is a golden tower 72 stories tall.
  • The office of vice president has been renamed “The Apprentice.” To win it, you must endure a mind-numbing 1.5-year reality show in which candidates compete for the favor of …
  • The State of the Union is now called the State of Trump. It is an annual 24-hour speech on the economy, China, the world’s shiniest hotels, jobs, the origins of The Apprentice, and how baldness is emasculating.
  • President Trump declares Islam can be “fixed” with a new holy text. American bombers fly over Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, and more Middle Eastern nations, dropping copies of his 2005 book, “Think Like a Billionaire.”
  • Air Force One, like everything in Trump’s fleet/arsenal, is now just called “Trump.”
  • Trump hand-builds a 912-foot-high wall along the United States-Mexico border.
  • From space, an astronaut notices the words “Suck it China” now run along the underside of California, Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas.
  • On eBay, now known as “Trump,” there is a life-size, autographed bronze Trump statue. No American knows anyone who wants to buy it, but the auction price continues to climb. There is a rumor, understood but rarely spoken, that Trump is sitting in a dark hole illuminated by two computers, one for each account, driving the price up himself.
  • Trump challenges “China,” to a boxing match to “show America’s got its balls back.” He does not specify whom he will fight. He shows up at the airport in Beijing, shirtless, boxing gloves on, and stares for 13 hours at everyone and no one.
  • The president’s memoir, “Trumping the Competition,” sells eight billion copies. Every American is legally obligated to buy at least nine. The rest were purchased by Trump.
  • The memoir is just a series of photos with “Winner” stamped over Trump’s picture and “Loser” stamped over images of other leaders and politicians.
  • Look in the mirror. You have a combover.

 

Colin Daileda is a co-founder of Or Something and a staff reporter at Mashable. Follow him on Twitter @ColinDaileda

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